Subject: HOME COOKING: tell Congress to end the practice of unsupervised food preparation!

Dear Friend,

You probably know that the First Lady is very concerned about your well-being. That is why she has always opposed home cooking. Government studies show that the plague of unsupervised, unlicensed home cooking has long been causing immeasurable suffering on its unsuspecting victims throughout the United States.

Michelle Obama has made it her goal to eliminate the concept of a kitchen from modern living environment - and now she has a plan that will also create millions of new jobs for Americans.

But she will need your help.

Send Congress a message via email, Facebook, and Twitter and tell them to ban all sales of food items and cooking utensils to private citizens, making home food preparation a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment. The people must demand the creation of a comprehensive kitchen removal and disposal program, whereby government technicians would uninstall all existing kitchen equipment in private homes, ending this outdated custom once and for all.

Concerns about public health require that all citizens consume prescribed rations in specially designated feeding areas, administered to them by trained government people-feeders on the basis of a correct menu calculated by government nutritionists.

To make this dream a reality, all we need to do is pay a little more in taxes. Most of the lower-income and middle-class family budgets will not be affected, considering how much this program will save them by eliminating food shopping from their lives. Cooking utensil buyback programs, such as "Cash for Kitchenware," will further incentivize this lifestyle transformation.

This plan has already been endorsed by prominent government officials, including former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomturd, who praised its obvious benefits, such as prevention of accidental burns, food poisonings, and kitchen fires.

Such a program will finalize the complete liberation of women from the shackles of family, as well as give all citizens a gift of additional free hours every day, which they can use to contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter and ask their representatives to improve their lives with more bans, taxes, and government programs.